Tears

Tears are dripping down my face as I am trying to fall asleep tonight.  It is less than 48 hours until my first overnight work travel away from baby.  I am kind of depressed, definitely have anxiety, and just dreading being away from baby.  I keep telling myself it is only one night, it will be just less than 24 hours from the time I leave home, drive to Atl, crash at the hotel be at the Atl office by 7:30, have meeting from 8-2 and then drive home.  Sounds simple right?

 Quick trip down and back.  And pre-baby while I missed my husband like crazy when I had to go on business travel the previous thoughts were true.  It won't be long, he'll be fine, etc.....Post baby it couldn't be farther than the truth.  I will be 240 miles away from my 17 week old and will miss her last 2 bottles on Sunday and 4 on Monday.  I will miss seeing her first gorgeous good morning smile when I pick her up when she wakes up.  I will be 240 miles away if she is not feeling well and nanny can rock her but not soothe and comfort her as good as Mommy.  My husband says he understands and is trying to supportive but right now I really don't want to hear words of comfort, I want to hear a solution that does not require me to go to ATL and/or just quit my job altogether.  I know that is definitely fantasy but hey a girl can dream right?  I keep praying for strength and for direction to let me stay with baby but I am losing patience when I know I should have faith, keep up the faith, stiff upper lip, blah blah blah. So many emotions but at least writing this helps me and tears have stopped. To the probably one person who may read this, thank younger any positive thoughts or prayers you could send our way. 

Pampers

Baby dry diapers may be one of the best inventions ever when you are trying to get baby on a schedule to sleep through the night - that is my random thought for now, good night 

Bitter

So if your are on of the Mommies I saw while quickly looking at tjmaxx over lunch - yeah I am not liking you right now.  Ypu got to enjoy this awesome weather day with your baby while I was looking hurrying while on lunch - yeah I really don't like you and want to ask you what your husband does for a living , what is your financial picture like, and just sneer in your direction because I am super bitter/jealous that on like the 3rd sunny day of the year or what feels like one I have to worry about my 16 million territory and how to get it to 20 million ASAP vs just enjoying the simple things like a beautiful day with my baby girl- yeah, I am a little bitter 

It is only 9:37 pm

And yet this is pretty much my new bedtime and not that I am complaining I love getting sleep when I can now that I  back at work - still hard and haven't had my first overnight business trip away from  baby, so we just take it one day at a time.  

Cried myself to sleep

So tomorrow is the big day - Day 1 with nanny shadowing me for 1 of 2 days before I go back to work on Monday.  I just finished bawling for about an hour and cried myslef to sleep and then woke up and cried until I puked a little and decided blogging might help me to try and breathe, calm down, and go back to sleep.  Hubby is giving baby her last bottle for the night and before that he has been very sweet and supportive, hugs, says he loves me and it will be okay but right now I don't want to hear that, I want to hear the solution of how I get to stay home with our precious baby, I no longer shoulder the responsibility of our health insurance, dental, vision, long term investments with 401k, no car payment or gas, none of these perks/responsibilities anymore - he can have that pressure.  I am ready to have him swoop in with a solution and this time he doesn't have one and I am very saddened my miracle answer has not arrived.  I am praying for a miracle and if one cannot be presented then maybe some peace for my very tender heart. Btw, SAHM's I am very jealous and envious of you right now. 

Really really hating emotions

Women are supposed to be gentle,

Soft hearted, mushy, emotional, right?  Wrong, I am usually the one that puts on the happy, perky, confident, positive, face and channels the emotions I don't want to deal with into say work, or eating, or exercising.  For example, my in-laws divorce after 30 + years of marriage- that year I gained 20 pounds and was promoted (the position I was promoted to I earned the quickest in company history).  Channeling/re-shifting emotions is a wonderful strength - last year I dropped 35 pounds and got into great shape while worrying about getting pregnant and then ta da we were pregnant, healthy pregnancy, easy labor, healthy baby.

But...now ummm let's just say stuffing my face, trying to clean out closets around my house, being Suzy homemaker, saving 63.00 in coupons at the store and I can't stay busy enough to block or channel all the crazy emotions I feel.  I am better with tactical planning so this is just a list of all the emotions running through my head and don't know where to put them or how to deal with them other than eating a whole bag of chocolate covered peanuts in two days (ha ha because that is funny but not because it is a joke)

1.  The emotion of dread: Really really don't want to leave our precious girl with the nanny and return to work

 2.  The emotion of worry/fear:  I am scared I may not be able to handle being Miss Mock 2 with my hair on fire leading the country while staying under budget and be super on and super fun wife???

4.  The emotion of panic/paranoia:  Will Baby be okay with the nanny?  What if the nanny gets hurt during the day?

 Will Baby be traumatized with exposing her to a new adult that will be caring for her?

5.  The emotion of inadequacy: Am I doing enough for our baby?  I have to help her prepare to compete- I read this article in the Sinday paper that Asian American children are far surpassing American children with academics and I wonder what can I do to help improve her chances?

 More Vivaldi?  More Mozart?  

6.  The feeling of accomplishment:  it has been confirmed that I will be receiving another free international trip due to another year of hard work and a raise ta boot!

7.  The feeling of dread again: I will be away from baby during trip for 5 nights - yes grandparents will watch her but still away from my sweet baby.

8. The emotion of pure love- every time I see baby or husband holding our sweet baby I feel pure joy and pure love.

9.  The emotion of annoyed- this one is small but getting ready to start again and not looking forward to that - I definitely did not miss while I was pregnant.  

For now, I am sipping on sleepy time tea and praying for comfort, peace, and wisdom. 

Irritable

I am so tense, grouch, and irritable!  I want chocolate, cookies, more time for husband, more time with baby, not to have to go back to work, more money, grrrrrr!  Everything is getting on my nerves so I think I will try to breathe, say a prayer to ask for patience and peace and try to chill out but it is so freak if hard!!!  Boss was super helpful on phone today with letting me ease back into work but aaaaggghhhh!  It's me super tense up because I realize I am getting that much closer to starting work again!  Hubby is supportive but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know how much worrying/anxiety I am having and I don't want to drive him crazy because I am driving myself crazy ha ha.  Comments like, "Overall a pretty good day?", are making me want to scream because that is way over simplified Yep pretty good if panic, dread, fear, worry, tired from a crazy poopy explosion, major clean up from explosion, and all while trying g to slowly cut back on sweets/watching what u eat then Yep overall a pretty good day??!!!  It was not a bad day just feeling like I am stressing out and his ability to relax and ask me if I have checked out a movie on Netflix makes me envious of his relaxation and time.  Tomorrow will be better I am sure but yikes!!!!