Tears

Tears are dripping down my face as I am trying to fall asleep tonight.  It is less than 48 hours until my first overnight work travel away from baby.  I am kind of depressed, definitely have anxiety, and just dreading being away from baby.  I keep telling myself it is only one night, it will be just less than 24 hours from the time I leave home, drive to Atl, crash at the hotel be at the Atl office by 7:30, have meeting from 8-2 and then drive home.  Sounds simple right?

 Quick trip down and back.  And pre-baby while I missed my husband like crazy when I had to go on business travel the previous thoughts were true.  It won't be long, he'll be fine, etc.....Post baby it couldn't be farther than the truth.  I will be 240 miles away from my 17 week old and will miss her last 2 bottles on Sunday and 4 on Monday.  I will miss seeing her first gorgeous good morning smile when I pick her up when she wakes up.  I will be 240 miles away if she is not feeling well and nanny can rock her but not soothe and comfort her as good as Mommy.  My husband says he understands and is trying to supportive but right now I really don't want to hear words of comfort, I want to hear a solution that does not require me to go to ATL and/or just quit my job altogether.  I know that is definitely fantasy but hey a girl can dream right?  I keep praying for strength and for direction to let me stay with baby but I am losing patience when I know I should have faith, keep up the faith, stiff upper lip, blah blah blah. So many emotions but at least writing this helps me and tears have stopped. To the probably one person who may read this, thank younger any positive thoughts or prayers you could send our way. 

Pampers

Baby dry diapers may be one of the best inventions ever when you are trying to get baby on a schedule to sleep through the night - that is my random thought for now, good night 

Bitter

So if your are on of the Mommies I saw while quickly looking at tjmaxx over lunch - yeah I am not liking you right now.  Ypu got to enjoy this awesome weather day with your baby while I was looking hurrying while on lunch - yeah I really don't like you and want to ask you what your husband does for a living , what is your financial picture like, and just sneer in your direction because I am super bitter/jealous that on like the 3rd sunny day of the year or what feels like one I have to worry about my 16 million territory and how to get it to 20 million ASAP vs just enjoying the simple things like a beautiful day with my baby girl- yeah, I am a little bitter 

It is only 9:37 pm

And yet this is pretty much my new bedtime and not that I am complaining I love getting sleep when I can now that I  back at work - still hard and haven't had my first overnight business trip away from  baby, so we just take it one day at a time.  

Cried myself to sleep

So tomorrow is the big day - Day 1 with nanny shadowing me for 1 of 2 days before I go back to work on Monday.  I just finished bawling for about an hour and cried myslef to sleep and then woke up and cried until I puked a little and decided blogging might help me to try and breathe, calm down, and go back to sleep.  Hubby is giving baby her last bottle for the night and before that he has been very sweet and supportive, hugs, says he loves me and it will be okay but right now I don't want to hear that, I want to hear the solution of how I get to stay home with our precious baby, I no longer shoulder the responsibility of our health insurance, dental, vision, long term investments with 401k, no car payment or gas, none of these perks/responsibilities anymore - he can have that pressure.  I am ready to have him swoop in with a solution and this time he doesn't have one and I am very saddened my miracle answer has not arrived.  I am praying for a miracle and if one cannot be presented then maybe some peace for my very tender heart. Btw, SAHM's I am very jealous and envious of you right now. 

Really really hating emotions

Women are supposed to be gentle,

Soft hearted, mushy, emotional, right?  Wrong, I am usually the one that puts on the happy, perky, confident, positive, face and channels the emotions I don't want to deal with into say work, or eating, or exercising.  For example, my in-laws divorce after 30 + years of marriage- that year I gained 20 pounds and was promoted (the position I was promoted to I earned the quickest in company history).  Channeling/re-shifting emotions is a wonderful strength - last year I dropped 35 pounds and got into great shape while worrying about getting pregnant and then ta da we were pregnant, healthy pregnancy, easy labor, healthy baby.

But...now ummm let's just say stuffing my face, trying to clean out closets around my house, being Suzy homemaker, saving 63.00 in coupons at the store and I can't stay busy enough to block or channel all the crazy emotions I feel.  I am better with tactical planning so this is just a list of all the emotions running through my head and don't know where to put them or how to deal with them other than eating a whole bag of chocolate covered peanuts in two days (ha ha because that is funny but not because it is a joke)

1.  The emotion of dread: Really really don't want to leave our precious girl with the nanny and return to work

 2.  The emotion of worry/fear:  I am scared I may not be able to handle being Miss Mock 2 with my hair on fire leading the country while staying under budget and be super on and super fun wife???

4.  The emotion of panic/paranoia:  Will Baby be okay with the nanny?  What if the nanny gets hurt during the day?

 Will Baby be traumatized with exposing her to a new adult that will be caring for her?

5.  The emotion of inadequacy: Am I doing enough for our baby?  I have to help her prepare to compete- I read this article in the Sinday paper that Asian American children are far surpassing American children with academics and I wonder what can I do to help improve her chances?

 More Vivaldi?  More Mozart?  

6.  The feeling of accomplishment:  it has been confirmed that I will be receiving another free international trip due to another year of hard work and a raise ta boot!

7.  The feeling of dread again: I will be away from baby during trip for 5 nights - yes grandparents will watch her but still away from my sweet baby.

8. The emotion of pure love- every time I see baby or husband holding our sweet baby I feel pure joy and pure love.

9.  The emotion of annoyed- this one is small but getting ready to start again and not looking forward to that - I definitely did not miss while I was pregnant.  

For now, I am sipping on sleepy time tea and praying for comfort, peace, and wisdom. 

Irritable

I am so tense, grouch, and irritable!  I want chocolate, cookies, more time for husband, more time with baby, not to have to go back to work, more money, grrrrrr!  Everything is getting on my nerves so I think I will try to breathe, say a prayer to ask for patience and peace and try to chill out but it is so freak if hard!!!  Boss was super helpful on phone today with letting me ease back into work but aaaaggghhhh!  It's me super tense up because I realize I am getting that much closer to starting work again!  Hubby is supportive but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know how much worrying/anxiety I am having and I don't want to drive him crazy because I am driving myself crazy ha ha.  Comments like, "Overall a pretty good day?", are making me want to scream because that is way over simplified Yep pretty good if panic, dread, fear, worry, tired from a crazy poopy explosion, major clean up from explosion, and all while trying g to slowly cut back on sweets/watching what u eat then Yep overall a pretty good day??!!!  It was not a bad day just feeling like I am stressing out and his ability to relax and ask me if I have checked out a movie on Netflix makes me envious of his relaxation and time.  Tomorrow will be better I am sure but yikes!!!!

Killing time

So just chilling until it is baby's last feeding before we go down for our 5-6 hour stretch.  I should be sleeping but since it is Friday and I am not back at work yet I remembered to enjoy little luxuries, tasks / things I used to do because I was bored and now relish because it is a luxury ....

- drinking a whole bottle of water and not in a rush/chug it down no no, a few sips here, a nice me moment while talking a gulp there ahhh sipping water is so nice :)

- filing my nails - I have never been great at this talent and usually leave it to my trusty nail salon but the fact that I had time and I got to try a beauty improvement that is major!

- read this weeks entertainment weekly cover to cover and it was a good one - they had a great article on The Walking Dead Seaon 5 part 2.

And I have decided that the best seat in the house for these tasks is my super plush baby/rocker/recliner - it just hugs you!

Forget leather couches, large sectional, no no this chair is my new home. :)

Baby is still sleeping in bassinet in our room and hubby is sound asleep but it is almost time to wake baby up for last feeding - wish me luck!

 Signing off - the yupsta 

Overnight dread

Well, I knew it was coming and now I know ... I have to go to Atlanta for overnight business.  It will only be one night but not looking forward to it - baby girl will be 4 months and 3 days old and this Mommy's heart is hurting.... I mean I am not a huge fan of Atl home of rednecks or ghetto thugs .... It is so not southern to me and too many people are rude!  Hubby offered to go with me and work on briefs /watch baby while I am in a merging meeting ...but I don't think keeping a 4 month old in the car for almost 5 hours just for mommy to feel better is a good idea and her being at home with Daddy at night /Nanny during day is best but still sniff sniff 

Super Bowl?

What?  There was something called a super bowl on last night?  Well I had a baby bowl of fun and missed that football party.  Our baby bowl included lots of cooing, baby saying more consonant sounds, baby holding her head up more and more and Mommy loving every minute of it!  We also read llama llama stories and continued our 67 days in a row of our Thank You God daily prayer :). 

Target

So my new Friday night hangout?  Target or tar jay as we feel it gives the pronunciation a French flair ( just kidding).  Luckily, I am not the only person where this has been become their Friday norm. I saw one couple with starbucks I. Their hands just strolling around with their daughter in the girls clothing section.  I wonder, is Target the new what used to be hang out at the mall?  There are no more bookstores, no more huge food courts with food that rivals carnival junk food, no more arcades, so I guess hangin at Target is where it's at? 

Lies

The title of this log may sound harsh but there are so many lies /misleading tidbits out there for new Mommies. Nor example, today an e - newsletter from we shall say brand x of parenthood sites came today.  I signed up for this newsletter as it shares info on weekly changes/what to look for with our baby every week she gets older.  Okay cool until today I read it and it has a little paragraph about going back to work vs SAHM (stay at home mom) and how it is natural to question your decision and the part that made my blood boil was when it said that it is never too late to change your mind.  Then it said you had to think about it emotionally and financially.  Well malarkey - my emotions are screaming quit quit quit but the reality is that my job covers my husband and now my daughters medical/Dental/vision and even life ins on myself and my husband.  And the medical plan is really really good like we did not pay a penny for my hospital delivery. Then you add that my salary pays around 40 percent of household bills like cable/utilities and our shopping / grocery budget and I have a free car I want to find the author of that terrible tip and ask them how is it not too late to change my mind?  We have our budget typed/excel sheet format and know our finances to a t ....so how can I change my mind nitwit when I am supposed to return to work in 3 weeks and your little article says I can just proof change my mind and in 3 weeks we replace a car, now take on extra expense of gas for 2 cars and health insurance and just magically create the money that pays for the bills and groceries?  Yeah I guess the author didn't consider that there are women out there bringing home the bacon and can't just drop a job because it is "never too late to change our mind". That is my vent for today but to the women working hard for the money, bringing home the bacon, being a significant financial contributor to their household or equal contributor or bread winner , not just working small time but really hoofing it out there - God bless you!

Emotions

And not like sweet emotions Aerosmith but all of a sudden I am sappy/ corny/ tear up at "Parenthood"/even when Clark gets the lights to work on "Christmas Vacation."  

No this is not post partum, this is I am part of the parent club now and so have a different view on life, different perspective, and feel emotions I did not know pre-parenthood.  Just sayin :) 

Mom blogs

So reading a supposedly helpful blog from a Mom that says she is a stay at home but in the same blog shares that she works outside the home and then later states she is a wellness coach.  Well...where up begin:

1.  I think she is having a true identity crisis in defining her own label of who she is/where she is at in her life 

2.  Wellness coach?  Green smoothies?  Steel cut oatmeal?  Gag.... I am all for healthy living but this sounds as trendy as  the J Crew spring catalog 

Why do we as Moms have to put a label on "working Mom"vs stay at home?  Don't both titles require a lot of work?  Why can't we all say we are working Moms?  Especially when I find more and more "stay at home" Moms are actually working from home or part time etc.... Either way working vs stay at home both just want what is best for their family right?  I hate the labels just saying 

And would really like to see a blog from a Mom that shows us how to have a smooth morning where it is not all crunchy granola perfect every day but who is honest and says yep every

Now and then if the kids are having a kranky morning we had a pop tart and enjoyed it!  Just saying I was raised on steel cut oatmeal, homemade cinnamon toast and occasionally we had pop tarts, donuts, cereal for breakfast and my blood pressure is 110/60 and I am not obese - it is possible to not drink green smoothies every day and still be healthy :) 

Daycare

So today we went to visit a daycare just to see if we were certain we wanted a nanny.  This daycare is in an affluent area,  has the highest star rankings, accredited, etc....5 minutes there I was ready to go and bolt for the door.  Hubby convinced me to stay and then 1/2 way through he was ready to go but I finished the official tour and let me just say there is nothing wrong with this place, it was cheery, nice staff, but the 1:4 ratio was just killing me. And from what I hear that is above par compared to most daycares where apparently 1:5 is average....1:5?!  I cannot imagine our girl being shared rocking time / cuddle time /feeding time with 3 or 4 other babies - there was one baby propped on a boppy pillow and again this is totally ok with her age range but the teacher was feeding another baby their bottle and while the baby in the boppy was crying she just had to wait there and cry until the teacher was done feeding the other baby.  I so wanted to pick that sweet baby up and comfort her - it made my heart ache to see her unhappy just for those few moments but I was pretty sure if I picked her up they would be escorting me out the door.  Again, nothing wrong with what was going in , there were 4 babies to 1 teacher but although this was a cheerful little place I just could not imagine our precious girl waiting for attention or cuddles so we decided as a mommy/daddy team a nanny is definitely the way to go.  Now, to get the kind of nanny (Mary Poppins) that we want it will cost more than if our girl were in college but for my heart to not drop and stay calm it is worth every penny.  On to finding our Mary!

Lucky

I am so lucky to have such a sweet / good baby!  I think The Lord knew I am not the most maternal and this Mommy could use extra help with such a good baby.  Seriously, prior to having our own baby I have maybe changed 12 diapers total in my life.  I love how even in the year 2015 media portrays women to have these "natural" mommy instincts - umm not quite for yuppy mommy.  Other than picking out a coach diaper bag I did not have mommy tendencies or experience which would explain the 3, yes 3 parenting classes and CPR class her daddy and I took in addition to now owning a small library of pregnant/child rearing books.  

Nanny interviews

So first interview with first nanny - awesome!  But super type a/ triple check everything here, I am going to interview 5 or so before deciding but today hippy nanny candidate not going to work.  What was funny is that hubby was more concerned than me - and I was a college Republican officer that is how far back my conservative roots go.  I think it was when she described her applying to colleges after traveling in Europe before college which also means we would have to hire a new nanny in 6 months that hubby was ready for her to go.   

Late

Today was a really good day except baby wanted to be held for hours.  I love holding baby that is great but that means very little else can be accomplished without one hand and iPhone such as laundry, light bulbs to be changed, trash taken out for trash day, getting bottles ready, etc.... So when spouse leaves for work at 7:30 am and does not come home from work/tennis until 9:50 pm not a happy mommy but we talked about it and mommy is doing better :) 

Nanny

Yes we want a nanny.  No we do not think it is superior to taking a child to daycare and no thank you, we really don't want to hear all sides of all arguments of stay at home vs nanny vs relative watching baby vs daycare.  This is just what we are comfortable with as we do not have family that live near us and we as husband/wife made this decision together.

Also- if it were as simple as "doing more with less" believe me I would be all about it.  The do more with less was a tip given to yuppy Mommy as YM was looking for some encouragement about going back to work.  Yep its 

that simple to walk away from co car/gas (YM has not had a car payment in 10 years), stock options, 401k match, great health ins, quarterly and annual bonuses - especially when husband is self employed and on Mommy's benefits and sometimes has crummy clients that don't pay or are way way behind on their bill- it is nice to have Mommy's steady pay coming in. :)

That is my YM vent for the day but just saying it's not like this mommy has a job that is Hourly only with no benefits that would be easy to quit to SAH - it is a little more complicated 

Emotions

So this yuppy, career focused, wanna be Tiger lady is now feeling emotions???

I was not expecting this at all.  I knew I would love my baby but I thought I would be right and ready to hire child care and go back to work and have it all right??? Sounds great but I was so so wrong.

My whole life I wanted to prove that as a woman I could have a successful career, compete right alongside and surpass a man, that a Christian woman can have every bit as much determination and grit as a man and still succeed.  And I have accomplished many of those things but now with these Mommy emotions I am so at a loss because now it isn't about whether or not I can/will conquer my next challenger, it is about do I want to?  And the really really scary part is right now I don't - I think I would be okay just being this beautiful child's Mommy .  I no longer have to prove I can merge 7 figure deals, win titles/earn promotions- now I just want to be this child's Mommy.

Well, let me tell you,  these are emotions I was not counting on dealing with for 2015.  Former yuppy self would just dig her heels in and put in more hours if emotions got in the way and if that didn't work then a Prada or Louis would justify all the time for the extra work right?  Now it all seems to have changed on me and while I have to go back to work (good ole school loans ) I am totally clueless about how to deal with this - the last thing I want /need is another designer bag so where do I channel these super charged emotions?  Tbd for now but 3 cookies finished were a good start for today 

This was supposed to start 01/01/15

But...being a new Mommy tends to delay the best plans!  This blog is intended to be brutally honest about being a first time Mom and fill in the huge gaps the books don't cover so sit back, relax, and enjoy!

First lesson/observation/ frustration reality check I would like to blog from yuppy meets reality Mommy (YMR) from now on because if you think I have time to type that out every time well them you need to check out another blog.  

But lesson #1 the wonderful books/apps/sites that say sleep when the baby sleeps....yeah I want to find the morons that shared this brilliant tip and attack them.  I am talking  go Game of Thrones /Khaleesi /go get em attack.  Why? Hmmm here are a few reasons why I hate hate hate that so called "advice/tip":

1.  The first two weeks if you are super hyper/type a like me you are literally on the edge of your bed /wide awake/shaking with fear worrying if baby is sleeping, breathing, realizing I am totally responsible for this precious little person.  Wonderful and yet terrifying !!!

2.  Then your brain literally is going all different directions and you can't sleep - mommy insomnia is my psychological description for this sleep challenge.

3.  If I "sleep when the baby sleeps" then who is going to wash the bottles, get the bottles ready for the next feeding/check diaper /wipes inventory/do baby laundry???  

4.  If you have a baby around the holidays who is going to shop/wrap gifts and make some treats for your husband to take to work and make your first family Christmas card /pic debut?

Some good advice would sound like this:

It is going to be really tough the first month - try to sneak naps when you can but take heart, you do get used to the lack of sleep :) 

Good nite everyone - I am going to try and grab a quick nap before next feeding  time :)