Cried myself to sleep

So tomorrow is the big day - Day 1 with nanny shadowing me for 1 of 2 days before I go back to work on Monday.  I just finished bawling for about an hour and cried myslef to sleep and then woke up and cried until I puked a little and decided blogging might help me to try and breathe, calm down, and go back to sleep.  Hubby is giving baby her last bottle for the night and before that he has been very sweet and supportive, hugs, says he loves me and it will be okay but right now I don't want to hear that, I want to hear the solution of how I get to stay home with our precious baby, I no longer shoulder the responsibility of our health insurance, dental, vision, long term investments with 401k, no car payment or gas, none of these perks/responsibilities anymore - he can have that pressure.  I am ready to have him swoop in with a solution and this time he doesn't have one and I am very saddened my miracle answer has not arrived.  I am praying for a miracle and if one cannot be presented then maybe some peace for my very tender heart. Btw, SAHM's I am very jealous and envious of you right now. 

Really really hating emotions

Women are supposed to be gentle,

Soft hearted, mushy, emotional, right?  Wrong, I am usually the one that puts on the happy, perky, confident, positive, face and channels the emotions I don't want to deal with into say work, or eating, or exercising.  For example, my in-laws divorce after 30 + years of marriage- that year I gained 20 pounds and was promoted (the position I was promoted to I earned the quickest in company history).  Channeling/re-shifting emotions is a wonderful strength - last year I dropped 35 pounds and got into great shape while worrying about getting pregnant and then ta da we were pregnant, healthy pregnancy, easy labor, healthy baby.

But...now ummm let's just say stuffing my face, trying to clean out closets around my house, being Suzy homemaker, saving 63.00 in coupons at the store and I can't stay busy enough to block or channel all the crazy emotions I feel.  I am better with tactical planning so this is just a list of all the emotions running through my head and don't know where to put them or how to deal with them other than eating a whole bag of chocolate covered peanuts in two days (ha ha because that is funny but not because it is a joke)

1.  The emotion of dread: Really really don't want to leave our precious girl with the nanny and return to work

 2.  The emotion of worry/fear:  I am scared I may not be able to handle being Miss Mock 2 with my hair on fire leading the country while staying under budget and be super on and super fun wife???

4.  The emotion of panic/paranoia:  Will Baby be okay with the nanny?  What if the nanny gets hurt during the day?

 Will Baby be traumatized with exposing her to a new adult that will be caring for her?

5.  The emotion of inadequacy: Am I doing enough for our baby?  I have to help her prepare to compete- I read this article in the Sinday paper that Asian American children are far surpassing American children with academics and I wonder what can I do to help improve her chances?

 More Vivaldi?  More Mozart?  

6.  The feeling of accomplishment:  it has been confirmed that I will be receiving another free international trip due to another year of hard work and a raise ta boot!

7.  The feeling of dread again: I will be away from baby during trip for 5 nights - yes grandparents will watch her but still away from my sweet baby.

8. The emotion of pure love- every time I see baby or husband holding our sweet baby I feel pure joy and pure love.

9.  The emotion of annoyed- this one is small but getting ready to start again and not looking forward to that - I definitely did not miss while I was pregnant.  

For now, I am sipping on sleepy time tea and praying for comfort, peace, and wisdom. 

Irritable

I am so tense, grouch, and irritable!  I want chocolate, cookies, more time for husband, more time with baby, not to have to go back to work, more money, grrrrrr!  Everything is getting on my nerves so I think I will try to breathe, say a prayer to ask for patience and peace and try to chill out but it is so freak if hard!!!  Boss was super helpful on phone today with letting me ease back into work but aaaaggghhhh!  It's me super tense up because I realize I am getting that much closer to starting work again!  Hubby is supportive but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know how much worrying/anxiety I am having and I don't want to drive him crazy because I am driving myself crazy ha ha.  Comments like, "Overall a pretty good day?", are making me want to scream because that is way over simplified Yep pretty good if panic, dread, fear, worry, tired from a crazy poopy explosion, major clean up from explosion, and all while trying g to slowly cut back on sweets/watching what u eat then Yep overall a pretty good day??!!!  It was not a bad day just feeling like I am stressing out and his ability to relax and ask me if I have checked out a movie on Netflix makes me envious of his relaxation and time.  Tomorrow will be better I am sure but yikes!!!!

Killing time

So just chilling until it is baby's last feeding before we go down for our 5-6 hour stretch.  I should be sleeping but since it is Friday and I am not back at work yet I remembered to enjoy little luxuries, tasks / things I used to do because I was bored and now relish because it is a luxury ....

- drinking a whole bottle of water and not in a rush/chug it down no no, a few sips here, a nice me moment while talking a gulp there ahhh sipping water is so nice :)

- filing my nails - I have never been great at this talent and usually leave it to my trusty nail salon but the fact that I had time and I got to try a beauty improvement that is major!

- read this weeks entertainment weekly cover to cover and it was a good one - they had a great article on The Walking Dead Seaon 5 part 2.

And I have decided that the best seat in the house for these tasks is my super plush baby/rocker/recliner - it just hugs you!

Forget leather couches, large sectional, no no this chair is my new home. :)

Baby is still sleeping in bassinet in our room and hubby is sound asleep but it is almost time to wake baby up for last feeding - wish me luck!

 Signing off - the yupsta 

Overnight dread

Well, I knew it was coming and now I know ... I have to go to Atlanta for overnight business.  It will only be one night but not looking forward to it - baby girl will be 4 months and 3 days old and this Mommy's heart is hurting.... I mean I am not a huge fan of Atl home of rednecks or ghetto thugs .... It is so not southern to me and too many people are rude!  Hubby offered to go with me and work on briefs /watch baby while I am in a merging meeting ...but I don't think keeping a 4 month old in the car for almost 5 hours just for mommy to feel better is a good idea and her being at home with Daddy at night /Nanny during day is best but still sniff sniff 

Super Bowl?

What?  There was something called a super bowl on last night?  Well I had a baby bowl of fun and missed that football party.  Our baby bowl included lots of cooing, baby saying more consonant sounds, baby holding her head up more and more and Mommy loving every minute of it!  We also read llama llama stories and continued our 67 days in a row of our Thank You God daily prayer :).